Problem: People-pleasing.I hate it. But it seems like there are two options:
1 - don't live your own life, try constantly to please others and inevitably become miserable at your failure. Then blame those around you for your misery.
2 - live the happiest life you can imagine. A great role model and inspiration. But here's the catch... you get called selfish and unsupportive (or worse) by those who supposedly love you and should want you to be your best self. Right??
Here's where my annoyance kicks in. Adults make their own choices. Whether you choose #1 or #2 there are consequences. I've seen this in sooo many relationships like this. But lets use my parents as examples...
My mom blamed me for not being able to leave my father (who she claimed she hated) because she had me to raise, even though I was the one telling her to leave. I wanted her to be her best self and be happy, after all. Since I loved her. Then there was my dad who blamed me for being born, causing his unhappiness, but also wouldn't leave my mother. But if one of them actually did something to make themselves happy the outcome would have been great for the other. Problem solved, right? But neither did anything and they both died mostly miserable at the age of 57.
Why?A friend and I were talking about people-pleasing recently. It feels like a sickness. Some may want out but not know how. Or maybe they don't know they are doing it because it was how they were raised. Always having to make their family happy. Hell, I know for sure that some people don't even know what makes them happy because they never had the opportunity to figure it out and then adult-hood steps in and they are making a partner happy &/or our kids and bosses. Then, before they know it, it feels like it is too late.
Maybe it IS too late for that relationship. Once you decide you want to do some things for YOU the significant other is like... WTH? Who is this person who is finally putting their own needs before my wants?? *Key mystery music here* BUT you have to start somewhere!
I think the solution is to raise kids to not please our every whim. To figure out how to make themselves happy. To not become what we want them to become because it makes sense, it makes money or it looks good to others. I don't know about you... but I would far prefer seeing a smile on my kid's face rather than a diploma framed in some office somewhere.
The solution is to not expect someone else's happiness to take a backseat to your own. It's their life to live as a happy one and to encourage others to find their own happiness. Friends, family, coworkers alike.
And the solution is to set a good example. Be an inspiration to others. Especially your kids! Start right now. Be a person that YOU love and you will attract others who love the real you and not what you can do for them. It won't be easy and the selfish will leave... but in the end it will be worth it. Be authentic and transparent. This is what life is about. Live in love. 💙 xx
|My daughter... practising being a happy person. For herself. Because her happiness matters.|
I definitely don’t see myself as a people pleasing person. I think I am supportive and put my mate first when they need me to and put myself first almost all the time. That being said, it’s never, like, “you’re on your own!”. We both have highly developed interests and goals and support eachother in pursuing our individual happiness and achievements as well as celebrate our unity and commonalities.ReplyDelete
I think a lot of people that are mates, in truth, aren’t even friends. It really makes life a joy when your mate is truly your best friend. For me, there is no one I would rather hang out with or talk to than my mate. I love doing my own thing in the early evenings, I think with out a strong sense of who you are and want to be, it’s hard to be a balanced partner to someone else.
Yes, I totally understand. It's definitely a balance. And each person needs to be on board.Delete